ELI, STOP BEING A JACKASS!

I shouldnt be pissed over an old close friend of hers. I know how it is to be in and out of touch but still have the friendship there. And if it survives over time then its worth keeping. I dont own u brenna so u have the freedom to do as u please. Even if i get dumb about it. I'm sorry. Thanks to all that are able to put up with me. You all deserve a reward. But all you get is my graditude....thank you all. And Brenna...I love you and that won't change.

Yer damn fuckin right im fuckin jealous! thats just me

I'm the jealouse type without a doubt. I am extremly protective as well. The 2 go hand and hand, don't they? I get angry when my girlfriend chooses to talk to some other guy instead of me. Is that wrong of me? Ok, maybe the first time I can deal. But twice in one day, and for the same dude? nope, sorry...that makes me mad. I can't stop what angers me, all i can do is tone it down. Do I trust Brenna? Without a doubt. So why get so angry you ask? Cause I can't fucking help it. After being cheated on by 2 girls I cared about at the time it kinda grows on you, u know? Am I saying I think ima get played again? no. But can I help the jelousy that has become apart of me? no to that too. Am I in the wrong if i can't help it? maybe...sorry for being me.

Its allllllllllll gravy

I got off the phone with Bren Bren not to long ago. I just gotta tone down the thinking so much. We had a very good conversation. Then it got..........to good (lol)She was tryin to turn me on (and doing a very good job at it might i had) and I kept tellin her to stop but when that girl gets in one of her moods....whew, watch it. Then of course my granny walked in while Brenna was playin naughty. THANK GOD i was on my stomach, lol. And thank god i didnt give in to her evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvil. Then I had to get off the phone eventually. Me and my grandma had a real good conversation too which was suprising cause we dont really talk much. Well, atleast I don't. Now I'm about to do my schoolin but i decided to call Brenna first. Shes getting some well deserved rest right now. Welp, thats all....lataZ

a break

Well, after work yesterday I went home and was there for no more than 1 min, then I got a call from Bren while I was sprawled out face down on the living room floor. First off, work was cool. Wish I could say the same for Alyssa and Jackie tho. Alyssa got a real bicthin, as did i but I took it alil better. And Jackie got fired and she cried hysterically. She asked for my number and ran off. Instead of workin the ring, i worked the front. Which sucked BUT made time go alot faster and my managers actually complimented me on my preformance. !?!?!?! thats rare. But anywho, it was the final work day of my full working week. Thank god I can finally just relax alil. Anywayz, I went with Brenna and her mom which wasn't kosher on my part for a number of reaons. 1: I promised Heather I'd take her out for her birthday 2:my grandma who is leaving soon prepared a feast for me 3:i wanted alil rest before i did anthing cause I was tired and grumpy.4:I was invited to go bowling with a bunch of people from work and said I would be home to take the call. But I didnt tell Brenna because I felt I'd make her mad. That was stupid on my part, shes not obsessive or anything so she wouldnt flip so i shoulda just spit it out. As Alyssa said to me..."grow sum balls". So from now on, I'll say what I feel when I feel it cause if i don't speak up I won't have the best time. Hanging out with Bren wasnt a disaster but I should of been else where and with that guilt in my head the whole time I was pretty bitter. But kept that inside. So when I got the ride home I kinda let it out the wrong way at Brenna. I misworded what was wrong but totally fucked that up. Later I explained and apologized. All is well. That fear is growing tho...the fear that she doesnt feel the same about me anymore but this is the type of paranio shit that I think up all the time cause I'm stupid like that. I sumtimes think I don't make her happy, bu how can I when I don't open up to her? So live and learn. I am looking foward to the next time I see her. As of now, who knows what i'll do. School work n' study the drivers book and maybe even take a spin. Thats all for now.

The day didnt turn out so damn bad after all

Work was dramatic as always but cool at the same time. Me and Bud had alot of laughs together. We were friggin insane, lol. "Damn that fisher price bus! zoinks!" with our combined efforts we were able to destroy a kiddie toy. Hehe, hey! that was one tough ass toy dude! it took like 20+ stabs with a screwdriver to kill it! and I destroyed the jazzersize ladies stupid lil green box full of there shit cause I found out its been them throwin our skates on the floor. And we get in trouble for that. Me and Stacy got in ANOTHER HUGE argument but in the end as always we settled it. I don't like that girl, but i can't hate her either. All in all, over all today was good. Ok, maybe I flipped alil over the whole thing with Matt. In all honesty, I trust Brenna and love her to death. And I feel there is no competition between us. Espeacially after me and her hung out today. After me and her spend time together I feel so....rejuvenated. Its a wonderful feeling. Its amazing how much I love her. No reason to get into details but we had a great time...talking and otherwise. And my family adores her and my grandmother says shes very pretty. I was like, PRETTY? thats an understatment!

fighting urge to kill

Talking to Matt, (soooo happy to have my right hand man back, Awwwwww yeaaah, my boy rox hardcore. When I get up to NY, or he comes back down here, watch out we'll take you all out.)That would be my girlfriend talkin. Then I read her comments sum if the shit that Matt fellow said. Fighting urge to kill. Am I just being stupid to be jelouse? I trust her but of course this shits gunna bother me. I'll speak more of my day later. Not in the best mood at the moment.

intersesting, fun and depressing...those words describe my day

It was another long day at work.....another day of busting my ass. I havent worked a friday in a long time and forgotten how god damn busy it gets, and how many lil fuckin jits that try so hard to act older than they really are show up. Yet they have no idea. But I guess thats normal for kids around that age to act like that. It makes me angry tho. But it is not my life, MY LIFE and the lives of the ones I care about are the only ones I should be lookin after. But its in my face every weekend. Girls no older than 14 hookin up with scum bags that are like 20. It makes me sick....sick that the ones that are older take advantage of the ones that admire us. "The older generation" . We know the real world, is it us...the older guys that are just as guilty as the young girls that throw themselves at us? Is it that they want to escape the real world? or are they truly that dark and cold inside that they just want a "young peice of ass"? Humanity...it can sicken me to the point i just want to lash out. But it is not my bussiness to stop humanity....after all....we are the "Home of the Free"...right? This is what upset me today. I've been workin at Kabooms for 3 years now....3 FUCKIN YEARS. I watched sum of these girls grow up and go from innocence to....what they are now. Trying so hard to rush through life, and experience things they are trully not ready for. I won't lie...there are girls that, of course younger than myself that try and throw themselves at me or hit on me. It just makes me so angry inside...not flattered....far from that. Thats what my friend said I should take it as. I was like..WHAT? Does age trully bring corruption? Is it true that the older you grow the colder you grow? I don't want that to be the case. For anyone. When these stupid girls that everyone calls hoes (cause they do act like it) come up to me, I stray from the topic at hand,which is her tryin to put the moves on me and I ask her...."I'm 18 years old...your like what? 14...15? Why do you do this to yourself? Your lucky I'm not sum fuckin child molester that would take advantage of u". I guess I'd go into sum lecture, sum seem to actually think about it...a sign that they feel some what guilty about some of the things they've done or do. And others just give me the big "whatever". Its not my job to save lives or teach them lessons they will unfortuntly learn on there own if they keep on that path. One day they will understand that growing up is not as..i dunno how the fuck they see it....cool? as it seems. I could never understand why youn girls love the older guys. Its not cause of there maturity, i'll tell u that much. I dunno...this all justbothered me today watching some of the events that occured today with younger girls and guys much to old for them. And sum of the fuckin employees that i work with actually don't give a fuck. One kid i work with was like..."fuck yeah I'd tap that, that girl must be tight." I just looked at him in utter disgust and said get the fuck away from me. Maybe not everyone understands...but of course everyone has there own take on how they veiw the world. I guess some people are trully down to the core...bad. Well, that was my depressed portion of the day...that and wanting so bad for Brenna to come see me. To remind me that there is good in this world...cause thats how i see her. Everything I want in a girl. She has not lost her innocense even tho she has seen what innocense lost looks like. Shes seen the drugs and what they do to peoples lives. And I admire her so much for not giving in.....like i did back when I was in her position. Ya know, with the temptation there...but she never gave in...she stayed strong. And she deserves so much happiness in her life for being simply who she is. And shes always been true to herself. God I love that girl. True, I do belive she still has alot to learn. I mean...after high school...life is so different. Its more of a huge reality check. But atleast shes going through it the right way, shes so smart and I know shes gunna do so well with herself after school. Cause she actually cares about her grades and isnt distracted...like I was. But I dunno, I was just gettin so mad with some of the people at kabooms today that I just wanted to see her...even for a minute. Thats all it takes with her....time stops when I see her. Life is not ugly anymore. I wanted to just walk out of work and find her and just kiss her....cause I can't even describe the feeling when we kiss. Its just blissful. Its also a reminder that life is beautiful. Now I'm alil more upset cause I just read in her journal that she thinks her weekend is gunna suck......how can she say that when shes going to see me tommorow. It hurt me. I just called her but shes prolly asleep now...like I should be...cause I gotta go back to work way early tommorow. But o well. I just hope everything is ok and that were still up for tommorow. Cause I....need to see her again. After talkin about all this I dont really feel like talkin about the good parts of the day so I'll just sum it up. Enjoyed my time with my friends and I loved gettin lost in the music and just skating to it. I was able to squash sum uneeded beef with someone so that was alil weight off my shoulders. Made a new friend, and I always treasure that, cause nowadays it seems like its alil harder than it used to be. I had a nice talk with my friend about sum shit and that cheered me up a bit. But thats all. I guess thats enough, it is gettin a tad late and I wanna be able to wake up in the morning so I can get to work on time. Goodnight to all. And as for the person that replies to my entries that doesnt leave a name. Please tell me who you are. Your words seems so sincere and you seem to see the world as I do. I don't like this whole hidden identity crap. Just please tell me. I have an idea but I don't want to say names and be wrong. Thats all.

b4 work

WElp, I woke up not to long ago. I finally went out lastnight and hung out with my "old crew". Can't say I expected much more....nothing has changed. Nothing at all. They get high and play a fighting game over and over again. Sure we talked n' shit but....I just can't stand them anymore. I mean, they will always be my friends I guess....but it looks like I'm truly gunna hafta leave them in the past. I thought about all this while I was drinking behind Tony n' TJ while they played Guilty Gear XX for atleast 4 hours. Or more. It was on when I arrived, and was on when I left. I kept icthing to call Brenna but Kenny too was not interested in the game so he stayed on is computer the whole time. So I was upset cause I promised her I would...an I told them that but I got no response. Fuck them. They ain't going anywhere with there lives. I WON'T be like them. I WON'T. Unless they get the fuck outta that house and ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING, they won't be seeing my face for a while. It makes me fustrated thinkin about it. But I have already moved on...its just now this is prooof positive that these people I've know since high school....r doing the same fucking thing they've always done...and I'm tired of it. I woulda left earlier but I did not feel like riding my bike through Western Hills at 2am. So I waited till Tony decided to leave so I could get a ride. I got home and passed out. Brenna, I'm sorry. I will make it up to u tommorow when I see u. I'm still hopin that u may pay me a visit today at work but I am kinda doubtin it. Well, thats all for now.

hectic day....the work never stops

Ugh, camps n' parties....a dreadful combination for anyone who works at kabooms. Atleast I got to skate. I once said ever since I started workin at kabooms that I hate kids. But today proved differnt. The little ones....so innocent. Watchin them al reminded me how i used to be back in my youngin' days. I took sumtime out of my stressful non stop work to teach sum kids how to do sum tricks skatin. I actually had a good time. Except for the brats that kept going through the cones and bringin drinks n' ice cream on the ring when i wasnt lookin! SPAWNS OF SATAN! but the others were real fun. The innocence of oe so young is such a treasure. It almost makes me sad knowing that they will grow up one day...and see the world as it is. But anywayz, I unfortunaly had to take the bus to get back home which stops me from bein able to go to Bren's even tho I doubt her "mutter" would allow it. But a nice long bus ride was pretty relaxing for me. I read alittle and just stared out the window fr a while and thought alot. I had like a....i dunno....like a moment of bliss or sumthin. I dunno what triggered it. All I know is all i wanna do today is just lay down, read n' listen to sum music. And prolly later go to an old friends house cause I keep tellin him im gunna stop by then i'll never do it cause i get home to late. So i thnk i'll do that. Ah, a highlight of my day was stealin Gary's starbucks coffe (HAHA!) hes a manager wth a stick up his ass. Sumtimes. But for the ost part, today wasnt half bad....I think I'm still in my moment of clarity so I'm gunna get offline and just relax a bit more. B4 I go there is a few things i gotta say: Of course, I miss U Brenna!!! and feel better Alyssa and and....um, ok maybe thats all. O yeah and, HOUSE PARTY AT DAVIDS on the 26th of may. All my buddies who be readin this call me up if u wanna go! open bar :) But I don't think I will drink much since Bren is comin....but u never know. Depends on the enviroment i suppose. Hmmm....a bunch of drunkards...ok we'll see. Thats all for now.

work is work

Ok, nothin special today. I'd call today a regular day at kablows. I'm really tired cause I worked 2 shifts...(thx Alyssa.....j/k) Me n' Oscar talked about a bunch of shit like we always do and he offered to be my shaperon (SP?) if i ever needed one to take my Brenna out sumwhere. I found myself workin my ass off like crazy today so I could get out semi early and call my girl b4 she fell asleep. But of course we ended up gettin out at midnight...seems like theres no helpin that. But atleast my buddy Oscar gave me sum good ideas for a romntic date for my Bren...not that I needed advice! :) I have plans for u my sweet...muhahahahaha! i miss u so much....i know i saw u like 4 days ago but it feels like weeks. Ima do my best to pay u that visit just so i can feel your lips again.............woah, sorry, sunk into deep thought there. O and, an inside joke for my bren...."german soilder at attention". Don't ask....and i wont tell.

ummmmmm

I dunno y im even writin shit i guess im bored. I got 2 freidns over chillin. David n' James. I'm on break b4 I get to go back to hell. So i figure y the fuck not. Hmmmm, what to say. "I don't practice voodoo on people, I just wish badluck on them"James"Duuuuuuuuuuuuh, i duuno....i cant talk, duuuuh"David"Willin to stick out my neck for respect if it meant life or death, never live to regret what i said"Eminem(um yeah, Eminems over too....riiiiiiiiiight)Ok, I gotta catch the fuckin bus and get back to hell, y? cause I get paid to work in hell for satan himself. Thats right. Ok....yeah. Don't do drugs. I don't do drugs, there bad for your body! up with hope down with dope!

KABLOWS

Well, now we not only have 1 sick skate guard but NOW we have 2. And who gets bent over to get fucked over??? Why me of course, the Kabooms bitch. (this ones for Brenna) *shakes fist angerly at Alyssa and Kayla* damn u both for goin sick on me! Now I gotta not only work everyday....yes thats right...everyday..including saterday, (Ima hafta call u Bren, we will still see each other...just not the original plan) so not only that, but now i gotta work a MOTHER FUCKING DOUBLE!! Eli hates doubles.....alot. 11-close. FUCK FUCK FUCK MOTHER MOTHER FUCK FUCK, smokin weed smokin weed, drinkin beers beers beers, rollin fatties smokin blunts, u smoke sum blunts? we smoke sum blunts!....."let me get a dime bag". 15 bucks little man, put that shit in my hand, and if that money doesnt show then u owe me owe me owe. My jungle love, O e O e O. Sorry, doubles make me disturebed.

o yeah, this was funny...

I convinced my manager that I as on exstasy at work today. LOL. She freaked but i eventually told her april fools. Had to add that.

Love VS Temptation.....Love prevails

Odd title, right? Well first let me start out with how my day went and then ill get into the reason for that. First off, the day was nice and slow paced....then BAM! parties fuckin galore. Walk ins which are always unexpected and 2 booked parties. Fuckin sucked donkey balls. However, Ed, Oscar and Derick were workin so we always find a way to make the day fun. Me n' Ed BSed about shit and how we were SUPPOSED to drink tonight but I guess the tables turn.....his turn to sell me out. lol. I want my 5 bucks back hoe! anywayz, he left then it was just me Oscar n Derick. Then Tracy came along...(why would anyone go to there job to kill time??) so we all had our laughs. Oscar was on the phone with Tracy playin the scream dude and freakin the shit outta her. It was like watchin the fuckin movie, it was funny. The highlight of my day was watchin her step on a bucket and fall backwards against the front counter. THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY! She was all like freakin out. But we all found time to bullshit for a good while and get paid for it none the less. I made myself a whole pizza pie, just for me, when sumone came by to ask for a slice i'd cough all over it and hiss at them. But anywayz, after dealin with a shitload of asshole customers when we were finally gettin ready to close an old friend stopped by...the girl that I rolled with for my first time. The girl that I used to be pretty tight with and she brought her friend over whom I also knew through her. Her name is Stephanie....no, not the EVIL EVIL bitch that played me but the Steph that I used to have a real crush on. The night we rolled(which was loooooong ago)we had alil fling that only lasted as long as the drug did. Now only those who have rolled would understand that after u roll with someone there is sum sort of bond between u n' the other. Which was really not the case since she kinda upset me by comin to visit me after the longest time stoned outta her fuckin skull. I mean, last time me n' her talked she was tryin to be a cop and now shes a body peircing druggie. This disappointed me. Why are all my friends from the past fucking there lives up? STOP GUYS! jesus. But anywayz, when i called my love Brenna she was next to me and she got jelouse when she heard me say "I love u". So she decides to be STUPID and hang all over me. Now don't get me wrong....this Steph is pretty attractive but she is no Brenna, thats for damn sure. When I felt she was gettin out of hand I politly asked her to back off. So I ignored her and dealt with as many customers as I could to distract me so then she finally got pissed and wrote her number on a peice of paper ran up to me and said "call me so we can hang out again". I said, sorry hun, to late, I'm spoken for and very happy where I'm at. She seemed to ignore me and left after that. As soon as she left after waiting a while outside for me to close. I ripped up the number. And threw it in the trash. Just not even a few seconds of thinking about Brenna, Steph was just a thing of the past. I won't lie, she was tempting me, but I know that I am truly in love and Steph...just like the other...is NOTHING to me. So sorry Stephs, but lay off. Anyone named Stephanie should be thrown in the dump. And to ANYONE who thinks they can EVER come between me and Brenna, FUCK OFF. Cause it aint happenin. Now this, to my love Brenna. After this experience it shows me even more how much i care about u. I love u so much Brenna...I can't wait to see u again. The real reason that im takin off saterday is not to spend time with my grandma b4 she goes back to NY but so I can see u again. I can't even put into words how u make me feel. Tho I have tried many a time and get the usual..."awwww" from u. hehe. But I just hope u realize how much u have changed me....I don't feel like the helpless, depressed scared little Eli anymore. And I owe that to u. And I'll keep making it up to u as long as u'll allow me to. I hate that we couldnt talk long today....my day doesnt feel complete. But I know I'll be talking to u soon, so untill then my sweet. I miss u. See u saterday and talk to u tommorow after the bitch manager leaves and hopefully it wont be such a busy day again. Goodnight.

just woke up not to long ago....and look at the time. Sad.

Another day of me wakin up at a insanly late hour. I woke up earlier but felt stuck to my bed per usual. I gotta catch the bus at 10 to 4 so i'll be 10 mins give or take late. Or I could catch the 10 to 3 and be an hour early.....screw that. So here I am b4 another day at Kablows. Since its a regular school day we aint gunna get much bussiness. I wonder who i'll be workin with today. I'm prolly just gunna end up watchin the war with my manager and BSin and slackin off as much as possiable. Only way to work :) I'll call my Bren at work when the bitch manager leave. Wow, gettin paid to talk to my love....now thats good livin.

wasssssssssup, another day at work....a good one

Ok, today was SUPRISINGLY a really sweet day. I mean, even tho i had to wake up early as fuck I actually enjoyed work. Odd seeing as there was 4 fuckin camps and maybe atleast over 200 sum odd kids on the damn ring. So I played skate nazi and yelled at a bunch o' peeps. But the real reason I enjoyed work is cause of my friends who were there. We all bullshited and I found myself bein the "mediator" for 2 of my friends....Kev n' Alyssa...that was amusing. And then me n' Stacy talked....I used to think she was a decent person and refused to belive the rumors about her but then her actions sickened me. I gave her a big attitude today cause she was tryin to talk to me and ever since alil incident that occured between her and 2 of my friends I havent been speakin to her and would just give her dirty looks whenever she'd look at me. Basically she completly lied to them and fucked around while havin a boyfriend who really cares about her...AND THEN brings her boyfriend to kick my boy Oscars ass for shit that wasnt even his fuckin fault. When she was talkin to me...I was gettin so mad with her that i YELLED "FUCKIN" really loud at her near the managers office, then he came out with a smile and talked to me and said be alil more careful (whew) Then after a convo of mostly me puttin her down cause I had no respect what so ever for her. But then she tried talkin to me, cause i'll admit...i was pretty harsh so i gave her a chance. I made it clear that I didnt like her and pointed out every reason y I didnt like her. I guess I hit a nerve cause I spoke nothing but the truth. Eventually, she apologized and gave me a hug. Then I said that I feel bad for her that she lets herself be used by people just so they can get there rox off....I know it gets to her....but y hang with people that dont respect u? and she was like "i know" and so on and so forth. She thanked me and left. I hope she realizes shes not just fuckin object. Derick and Oscar gave me props for speakin up about the situation and standin up for Oscar and myself. But i didnt do it for them...i did it for me, and for her cause she needs to realize how fucked up sum of the things she does are. But, I'm not one to meddle much. Lol, Kabooms is like one giant mother fuckin soap opera. We could make millions. Never a dull moment.....especially on the busy days when the whole crew is there. Thx all for makin my day so cool. Mostly to Oscar, Kevin and Alyssa ( u 2 r funny) and Kevin....tone it down a notch bud. Heh. I know yer stressed but that dont mean to take it out on Alyssa. So here I am, finally home...must call my love Brenna so my day will be complete. Then on to hangin with big Ed from work n throw back a few....(sorry Bren...its been a while) Thats all 4 now. LaterZ.

props to one whom deserves it

This entry is dedicated to me homie Alyssa bangbangkitten .She showed me how to put that lil pic she took of me as an icon (i didnt see it comin when she took it, grrrrr)but i look all serious n' shit so ill keep it. That was the night we drove my 2 friends away from a cafe to stiff my ex with the bill. (aint she cool?) so yeah, anywayz, thx Alyssa! for takin yer time to deal with Eli the retard. U deserve ur props! so *bows* props! See u at work in the morning! o fuck....thats right....work.....FUCK. Ok ok,laterZ!

me.....psycho...? maaaaaaaaaaaybe

Psycho. You are overwhelmed by anger. You may evenhate the world and everything in it and youbelieve revenge is the way of the world. An eyefor an eye. How Emotional Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

yoooooooooooo

Welp lesse. First occurence of the day my alarm clock goes off at 8. It hasnt gone off that early in ages...matter o' fact, I had to clear sum dust off it. Heh. I set it cause I was supposed to call my Bren but then the very dramatic.....me reaching for the phone...falling off the bed and thinking....Brenna....must....call.....ugh. *passed out* lol. So that was that, then she called me at 12 and told me that we aint goin to the beach with her dad. (slight sigh of relif)Then offered me to go to best buy ( o.O ) then on to lunch. In all honesty at first I was hesitant but everyday I spend with her....it seems the stronger i feel for her. Brenna, I do love u. We waited at her house for a lil after best buy and watched sum coolness on da tv. But she tends to distract me very well, even without tryin *grin*So that was great, such a simple thing was so wonderful. I guess as long as I'm with Bren, nothing matters. Then finally we went to eat with her "mutter" and her friend. Me and Bren had our own table. I kept hissin at sum dude that I thought she was eyein'....me, jelouse? naaaaaah. I was tempted to stab him with a fork but Brenna calmed me down a tad. After we ate, we talked for a while...got bored and then went and waited in the car. *grin grin* We drew on the fogged up windows and wrote shit (Bren's really good at writing backwards....Bren, yer goin places! lol) And we had our fair share of intimate moments....god damn Bren, yer such a turn on. (sorry to all the kiddies with the virgin eyes)So um yeah, then eventually and unfortunalty....her mutter came back. Then back to Brens pad and we watched monsters inc. (....) It was pretty cool, a nice change from watchin the war constantly but even better was the quality time me and my love spent together. Alil paranoia (SP?) knowing her mom was in the other room. But I think we did rather well :D Soooooooo anyways, im finally home, watchin six feet under (awsome show)and i think ima go out n chill with sum peeps tonight. Brenna, (jeez, do i mention u enough??) I'm so glad I decided to tag along with u. And your mom aint that bad either, shes cool. I'll write more when i get back about wtf ima end up doin. Lata.

Why not....another entry....in deep thought

I'm not sure what triggered my mood right now....maybe just layin on my dads car starin blankly into the sky. I look back at my past and my present. Of course when thinkin about ones past, u think about the good and the bad....and whats so fuckin good about now. Well, the days of old...non stop partying and good times...sure, they may of been cheap thrills...u know...gettin high or drunk with a handful of your closest friends and skippin school with everyone and do it all over again. This may not sound like fun to most but to me....back then....that was my life. The life I loved. Well, in high school thats how it was. I think its truly time to grow up and move away from the past after u get out of high school....whether it be droppin out (i'll regret it till the day i die) Or graduating. When your in school...your more sheltered and so used to the routine. Your always doing something...which I suppose is a positvie thing, but its when u have nothing to do with your time that u make the biggest desicions (odd isnt it?)cause u have nothing but time to think...which isnt always a good thing, belive me. I have a handful of friends who refuse to grow up or stop the "routine" which for us was the partying or whatever...unfortunatly its not just about the weed anymore. They've "evolved". No need to go into detail...but its sad. Its there way of clinging on to the past. But will they ever realize that there is no future in what they do with themselves. Its to fuckin bad for me that I realized all this after i dropped out and went through a long year (and change) of my own personal hell. The temptation of the past is always there and always I'd say...the easier to deal with. Then theres the fear and uncertainity of the future. Which making that more clear would definitly be the best choice...securing a future for yourself. Which is most important at my age....cause its not to late. But just as they say..."ignorance is bliss"...its more of a sheild that one puts up out of fear. Like my friends....they are choosing to stay ignorant (atleast my old ones that I've known the longest)because they fear the future. So they just dont deal with it. Even though I have moved on from them....found new friends, got a steady job (as long as I don't get caught buckin booze from the stock room)and a girlfriend who says she loves me. And this takes me to a whole other topic. Does she mean it? Or does she thinks she means it cause I'm the nicest guy shes ever been out with? (I know u think u mean it Brenna....but I really want u to dig down deep and think about that)Like i told u b4, I take that word very seriously and its not a word to just throw around. If this is making u wonder if i love u...don't even bother thinking twice....i won't lie, u r by far the best thing in my life. So u have my heart in your hands pretty much. But just because I feel that way doesnt make u obligated to. Just think about it alittle, thats all I'm asking. Where am I going with all this...? Not a clue, I'm half asleep, its past 4am and I just did a whole lotta thinkin that came out better in my mind than in words. Somethings are just not possiable to describe in words what u feel inside, ya know? I think I'll continue this entry tommorow...more about everything going on inside instead of talking about everything going on outside....u know? I think I need to think more about whats goin on in my heart and mind then what I did today or what I'm doing tommorow. I'm 18 and out of school....still workin on gettin a diploma(yes diploma...nationaly acredited by collages and magnet programs and has the fucking name of the school on it)but i'm drawing ever so near to adulthood. I need to start acting on securing myself a future instead of thinkin about what im gunn do to entertain myself the next day. I shoulda come to this conclusion a while ago but like they say...no time like the present. Goals:1st and formost, get my mother fuckin diploma and make my father proud of me like he deservesGod damn drivers license to...ya know...expand my horizons, hehSpend more time with Brenna so I can find out if this is actually love we feel and not infatuationLearn how to fuckin skim board without fallin (lol, i really wanna get good at this)Truly enjoy life before my hasty desicion of going into the Marines...which I'm hellbent on doin(and oddly enough...hoping that the war is still on after trainning...dont ask..)Collage....and STICKIN WITH ITOnce I get through all that, heh, I'll have plenty of time to figure out what carrer I want. Wow, odd entry, huh? ok well...I will continue this later. Almost 5 in the morning...time to sleep.

An absolutly great day

Well lesse. Origianlly I had this plan of havin sum perfect romantic date but I'm not the best of planners. Plus when Bren's finally ready, i didnt even have a fuckin ride ready. So i made about 5 calls b4 i finnaly found a bitch. (hehe, thx Juan, I owe ya)So anywayz, when i finally had her over....i was like.....uhhhhhh. Pulp Fiction? :D So I put that on but we were to busy talkin so I was like, fuck it, and turned off the flick. So me and my love talked for a while and.........got along rather well. Brenn, I know yer readin this....i want u to know just how much u mean to me. Sumtimes, words just can't describe how I'm feelin inside. So forive me if i get repetitive when I constantly tell u how beautiful u r, how much I love u and all the other stuff I say( u know) So, i'm pretty worn out. I think ima sleep now. Besides, the earlier i sleep, the sooner i can talk to u. Lookin foward to seein u again. I love u X10.O and....my parents adore u. Don't u worry. My mom hates my guts tho, lol. Sayz I'm evil. My dad's gunna get me a lock for the door. *grin* ok ok. Nite all.

Right before fuckin work

I dun wanna go to work, i dun wanna!!!!!!!!!! but wait! there is light at the end of the tunnel. Whats this u say? Brenna may be going to the cafe next to my work?? And to sing?! (must sneak out of work to watch) Ok, so that makes Eli happy. As for my day in a nutshell. Beach with Oscar, Derick, Tracy, Britney, Angela and the rest were just blah.They were to, um..happy, and they talked funny. So i kept my distance. But all n' all I had fun like I always do and busted me arse hard after fallin many a time after jumpin on me skim board.Had a cool long convo with the peeps mentioned above. After that we decided to bury jelly fish. I'm TIRED and REALLY don't want to go to work now but Brenna MIGHT be there so with that hope, I'll go to work....as if i had a choice. But I do hope to see Brenna. Ok ok, times a wastin, gotta shower and catch the mofoin' bus.

Drunk at 2 am

Well, ain't nothin better than bein drunk at fuckin 2 in the god damn morning,right? so yeah, I got home from work and me n' my boy from work decided to throw back a few. At first i wasnt gunna, but i was like, well...I cant talk to Brenna tonight (which slightly bothered me, but i know it aint her fault) so yeah, we drank. So here i am a few moments later....drunk no less. And I got a long early day tommorow no less but fuck it. I'll be gettin like 3 calls so im bound to get the fuck up. My boy Oscar and Derick from work invited me to the beach again to go skim boardin with a bunch of chix i dont know. I've met 4 of em last time i went to the beach which was about 2 weeks ago now. They seem kinda...o i dunno....ya know the thug wannabe chix type? yeah, thats them. So for pure amusement I figure why not. Besides, its better then stayin at home watchin the news all fuckin day. right? so after that Oscar's gunna get me to work on time so no public tranportation for me, yay! I gave my friends from work this lil live journal address, so if ya'll readin it now, wassssssssssssssssup! but anywayz, I decided to invite another friend that doesnt get out much for his sake cause hes been kinda down. So, um yeah.I got a long day ahead of me. If i am not able to talk to Bren tommorow AGAIN, Eli will be mad. But Eli will not dial the wrong number this time, lol. I was fuckin 1 digit off....and i kept gettin a phone sex line!!! I was like....WHAT THE MOTHER FUCK! I coulda swore that was the number so i was so confuzzled but then when i got home from work and saw what the number was i wantin to smack myself on the head. All my friends from work were like, maybe shes not tellin u sumthin, even my manager was like "maybe its an omen". I was like, what the fuck r u talkin about? but anywayz, besides my busy day tommorow, my most important priority is to TALK to Brenna. Ok, well....its fuckin 2:15 in the morning and my friends r gunna call me early so i best get to bed. (thinkin of u my love) And damn'it i miss u. Talk to u later.

First Friggin' entry

Ok, well lesse. I worked my ass off today while havin no more than 4 to 5 hours of sleep. I had to skate around for 8 fuckin hours and everytime I sat down, the asshole manager kept bitchin at me. Other than that, nothin specail. Lets see here. Further plans since it is early and I'm not so tired anymore I have 3 options...A:Stay home and get sum well needed R&R (but thats boring) B:see my Brenna (which I would love to, but i'm afraid that in my semi tired state I may be all zombie like and boring....or eat her brains) and finially my usual option that i get every day C: drink with Ron and Ed from work (however, the shits gettin kinda old...the drinkin that is). This past week as been interesting to say the least, I've found a girl that i can't find one single flaw in and I really like...its been a while since I've been in a serious relationship...(ya know, the offical kind) which i'm not so used to anymore. But I feel that I'm doing the right thing, I really care about her...and in such short time too. Thats how awsome she is. I just hope I can keep her happy...so far, i think i can. I miss ya Bren! every moment we spend together is special to me. So, time will tell. Jesus, people actually read this shit? Is it bordem or curiosity? Ok...well, thats all for now. Lata all. (who the hell am I talkin too?? no ones gunna read this shit)