Why not....another entry....in deep thought

I'm not sure what triggered my mood right now....maybe just layin on my dads car starin blankly into the sky. I look back at my past and my present. Of course when thinkin about ones past, u think about the good and the bad....and whats so fuckin good about now. Well, the days of old...non stop partying and good times...sure, they may of been cheap thrills...u know...gettin high or drunk with a handful of your closest friends and skippin school with everyone and do it all over again. This may not sound like fun to most but to me....back then....that was my life. The life I loved. Well, in high school thats how it was. I think its truly time to grow up and move away from the past after u get out of high school....whether it be droppin out (i'll regret it till the day i die) Or graduating. When your in school...your more sheltered and so used to the routine. Your always doing something...which I suppose is a positvie thing, but its when u have nothing to do with your time that u make the biggest desicions (odd isnt it?)cause u have nothing but time to think...which isnt always a good thing, belive me. I have a handful of friends who refuse to grow up or stop the "routine" which for us was the partying or whatever...unfortunatly its not just about the weed anymore. They've "evolved". No need to go into detail...but its sad. Its there way of clinging on to the past. But will they ever realize that there is no future in what they do with themselves. Its to fuckin bad for me that I realized all this after i dropped out and went through a long year (and change) of my own personal hell. The temptation of the past is always there and always I'd say...the easier to deal with. Then theres the fear and uncertainity of the future. Which making that more clear would definitly be the best choice...securing a future for yourself. Which is most important at my age....cause its not to late. But just as they say..."ignorance is bliss"...its more of a sheild that one puts up out of fear. Like my friends....they are choosing to stay ignorant (atleast my old ones that I've known the longest)because they fear the future. So they just dont deal with it. Even though I have moved on from them....found new friends, got a steady job (as long as I don't get caught buckin booze from the stock room)and a girlfriend who says she loves me. And this takes me to a whole other topic. Does she mean it? Or does she thinks she means it cause I'm the nicest guy shes ever been out with? (I know u think u mean it Brenna....but I really want u to dig down deep and think about that)Like i told u b4, I take that word very seriously and its not a word to just throw around. If this is making u wonder if i love u...don't even bother thinking twice....i won't lie, u r by far the best thing in my life. So u have my heart in your hands pretty much. But just because I feel that way doesnt make u obligated to. Just think about it alittle, thats all I'm asking. Where am I going with all this...? Not a clue, I'm half asleep, its past 4am and I just did a whole lotta thinkin that came out better in my mind than in words. Somethings are just not possiable to describe in words what u feel inside, ya know? I think I'll continue this entry tommorow...more about everything going on inside instead of talking about everything going on outside....u know? I think I need to think more about whats goin on in my heart and mind then what I did today or what I'm doing tommorow. I'm 18 and out of school....still workin on gettin a diploma(yes diploma...nationaly acredited by collages and magnet programs and has the fucking name of the school on it)but i'm drawing ever so near to adulthood. I need to start acting on securing myself a future instead of thinkin about what im gunn do to entertain myself the next day. I shoulda come to this conclusion a while ago but like they say...no time like the present. Goals:1st and formost, get my mother fuckin diploma and make my father proud of me like he deservesGod damn drivers license to...ya know...expand my horizons, hehSpend more time with Brenna so I can find out if this is actually love we feel and not infatuationLearn how to fuckin skim board without fallin (lol, i really wanna get good at this)Truly enjoy life before my hasty desicion of going into the Marines...which I'm hellbent on doin(and oddly enough...hoping that the war is still on after trainning...dont ask..)Collage....and STICKIN WITH ITOnce I get through all that, heh, I'll have plenty of time to figure out what carrer I want. Wow, odd entry, huh? ok well...I will continue this later. Almost 5 in the morning...time to sleep.